Tired of being someone else

I most definitely am an actress, I most definitely put on a show most of the time, it's like that always, I used to not be like that, I swear I find myself saying that a lot. I used to not care about what anyone thought or said, but kinda am seeing a water downed version of myself lately.

I don't like it. I guess I got lazy. Moving on.

I was thinking about heartbreak, I recently talked to someone who has seemed to have a lot of heartbreak, and it made me a little jealous, I wish I could love someone that much. I think I had my heart broken just once when I was 15 and I never was able to put it back together. So in the words of Andy Warhol, "how can you ever fall apart, if you never really fell together?" I often think about him when I feel like this. I wish I could go be a pretzel in his arms again. I told him he was my best friend, he made my heart melt, I loved everything about him, he had the best smile, he was so cute, and we had a secret love affair. Um, could you ask for more? I was 15, hello, I could just die right then, it was the best thing in the world. I'll never forget our special moments, and how his car smelled like red Gatorade. This was before facebook and myspace, before digital cameras. I only have a couple of pictures of us, because documenting your life was not really what people did too much of back then, but isn't it funny when someone dies, you wish you had so many more pictures of that person? I mean that seems to be the case with me. I miss him, what I would do to get him back? hmmmm....... anything. I never knew what I was going to do with my life, but I do wish he could be here now, that he could see me now, what I grew into, I know we would still be friends, I know he would love this little crazy life of mine. I'm thinking he on the other hand would have a 9-5 right now, it just seems that way because that's the way he was, very simple kinda. I long for a simple life, and some real heartache.

The picture is Ken and I at one of my first shows, I wrote this album called Transitions and song number 11 was for the boy I'm talking about in my blog, but I think I'm going to write a better one, now that I've been doing this a while.